Beauty is a Curse

God, why do you curse me with this face that only drunks and old men find pretty?

Last night Maia and I went to the Fitz to see some of our friends play for open mic night. We wandered in a little after midnight to a nearly empty bar. Come to find out we had just missed a crazy fight..bar stools thrown, people beaten with said bar stools, etc. It had kinda cleared the place out. Anyway, we grab our drinks and sit down to listen to our friends. It wasnt until about halfway through the first song I notice that we are literally the only two girls in the bar. The boys finished playing and we were all hanging out having our last drinks when I encounter….Elmer.

Elmer has got to be the creepiest old man I have ever met. (WHY do they keep finding me??) He’s probably at least 80 years old, seedy as f***, and has been kicked out of the Irishman on multiple occasions for grinding on young girls on the dance floor. And he chose me as his new interest. Great. He hobbles right up to me, puts his wrinkly old hand on my shoulder and says, “So you gonna take me home tonight and make me breakfast in the morning?”

Excuse me??

I’m sure my face was classic…surprise and disgust and maybe mild amusement. “HA!…. No.”  This, unfortunately, did not deter him. He made his proposal EVEN BETTER by saying he would take me to McDonalds in the morning to buy me a hot breakfast.

Well if that doesn’t scream ‘dream come true’ for me I don’t know what does. Consider me wooed. I shrugged my shoulder out of his grasp and walked away laughing. You would think that would be the end of it, right? No. I tell Ezra, who is supposed to be my friend, “If he comes back around and tries to pull more moves on me, you are my boyfriend. You got that? Save me.”

Does he? Noooooo of course not. I loop around creepy mccreepster for a while and then I hear him yell, “Darling! I wanna talk to ya!” I shoot a look at Ezra and he nods. Old Elmer approaches once again and as he begins to speak Ezra walks my way, says “hello my darling girlfriend!”….and proceeds to walk right past me to Maia. She plays along and I despise them both for it. Elmer, meanwhile, begins telling me about how he had prostate cancer back in ’99 and had to have an operation to remove it. He was going on and on about how the doctors don’t ask to take things out when they go in for surgery they just do. I remarked how lovely it was that they got rid of the cancer and he responds with, “Yeah, but from here (points to groin area) to here (points to somewhere else in groin area) down through here (by now he has covered his entire wrinkly package) is all gone. Theres nothing there.” What an unexpected turn; I was rendered nearly speechless.

“….oh…..”

“But!” He holds up his hand as he says this and points to me for emphasis,  “That doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.”

Peals of laughter erupt from Sam, who is standing next to him and only heard the last half of that conversation as I stand there in disbelief that this old man was seriously being this pervy.  Sometimes I really hate my friends, they aren’t helpful at all. We all wander outside as the bar is closing and Elmer tries one more time to get me to meet him outside the bar at 5am so we can go to our oh so classy McDonalds hot breakfast. I can even have all the hashbrowns I want! I tell him sure I’ll be there at 5 and walk off. I kinda hope he showed up at the bar at 5am this morning.

I’m chillin in the parking lot with the boys thinking it’s all over and we’re all sweet but oooohhh no…it’s not yet over. One of the boys who was also there, who I had just met and who’s name I still don’t even know, comes up to me and says, “You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen.”

“Oh…well, uh..thanks?”

“I’m just gonna go for it. ”    Waitwhat??

With that, he leans in and tries to kiss me. “I…wait…no….wha-ok, (I turn to the right and he kisses my cheek)  cool. ..nope…nooo…(turn to the left and he kisses my other cheek) no no no…oh-ok. Ooook.”

Oh, you think he got the hint here? No, he hasn’t clicked on just yet that I’m not exactly keen for a parking lot pash. He goes on to kiss both cheeks at least twice, trying to move in closer each time until I finally manage to push him off of me. Ezra, meanwhile, is nearly pissing his pants he’s laughing so hard. Again…useless. Kudos to this guy for trying I guess but oh my gosh.

Hopeless.

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